(Everyone remembers this classic episode, right?)
This is a true story, though parts of it may or may not have been embellished to make it better.
I finally got to go in to work today for the first time. I haven’t been allowed to go in because Korea hasn’t completed and returned my criminal background check yet for this employment with the Department of Energy at Idaho National Laboratories. They filed a waiver for me which came through last week allowing me to start today. So being my first day, they sat all of the new hires down in a conference room and pelted us with PowerPoint slides about anything and everything relating to our new employer.
In the back of the room, there were snacks including muffins, coffee, water, and some fruits. After an hour or so, I got up and poured myself a glass of water. It was really good chilled water. The cup wasn’t large, it probably held only about 8 oz. or so. After about 30 minutes we had a scheduled break and I was dying to use the bathroom. So I ran in there and relieved myself.
Since the water was so good, on my way back to my seat, I refilled my cup with some more water and drank it. Pretty soon it was lunch time and I was on my way out to the car to get my lunch that was stowed in the trunk. On the way, I realized that I had to go use the restroom again. It was probably about an hour after my second cup of water, but since I was on lunch and I didn’t really have a way back into the facility until shortly before 1, I decided to hold it.
I went to a nearby LDS church and ate lunch in the parking lot and on the bleachers by the baseball field adjacent to the parking lot. The urge had left me and I turned on a sports talk show that I enjoy listening to. At the end of the show, I took a swig from a water bottle that was in the car and remembered my need to use the bathroom. Luckily it was almost 1, so somebody would be at the doors to let me in since I didn’t have my ID card yet.
I drove maybe a little faster than normal to the building and hurried myself through the parking lot and into the building. Immediately, I made a beeline for the urinal. (I bet you thought that I wasn’t going to make it in time, or I was going to have an accident, didn’t you?) After using the bathroom, the lady in charge told me and another kid there that all of the training computers were being used and we would be taken down the hall to do some other paperwork, and then we would switch places with the others.
Well, we went down the hall and proceeded to fill out paperwork. After completing about 5 different forms, we were taken into an onsite medical facility where they took our height, weight, and had us read the lines on the posters to check our eyes. Then they called me back and produced a urine cup explaining that I needed to give them a sample to be drug tested. I was a bit embarrassed, and told the lady, I don’t think I can go because I had just gone maybe 6 minutes ago. She said she just needed a little so give it a try.
I took the cup into the bathroom. I was worried because I really had no desire or urge at all to use the bathroom. (This is the real emergency) I stood there in the bathroom trying to will myself to go, but I couldn’t. I was thinking of waterfalls, sprinklers, pouring water, anything to trigger the urge. But I was pretty empty. I thought I may have to sit in the office for a while before producing the required amount. Luckily, just as I thought I would give up, success!
I took the cup back to the lady praying that it was enough. It was below the line she told me I had to fill it to, but as she poured it into the vial, we saw it fill it up perfectly. I mentioned to the lady that if I had known about needing the urine, I would’ve been able to wait to use the bathroom so that I was sure to have enough. She told me that if I knew, then it wouldn’t have been a random test. So, Cheers to my amazing body that was able to produce the exact amount of waste needed on the spot and in a pressure situation. Definitely not your typical potty emergency.
